Over-reliance on technology in workplace (essay review)

Hi guys,
I was wondering if you could go trough my essay and give me the positive and the negative points of essay.
one more thing, in your opinion, what score this essay deserve to be given in IELTS exam?

Modern technology is now very common in the most work places. How do you think this has changed the way we work? Do you think there are disadvantages to relying too much on technology?

introducing new technology at work

In the new millennium, the majority of workplaces have vastly been equipped with the technology devices. These devices have improved productivity and also facilitated works, although, from my standpoint, heavy-reliance on technology in the workplace leads to difficulties for societies and firms themselves.

It can be stated that utilizing technology has received wide currency in the place we work, especially in the industrial area. An array of workplaces, these days, ranging from food factories to car manufactures, has been rationalized and improved their efficiency, meaning that fewer workforce are needed to work. Not only does this rationalization created by technology enhance the output, but it also diminishes the production cost. Furthermore, thanks to state-of-the-art computer devices, almost all of the documentation can be archived virtually with ease in just, for instance, 300 grams hard disk. Consequently, less space is needed to store papers in the workplaces, and the information is easily accessible as well.

Nevertheless, heavy dependence on technology in the workplaces can cause some problems in terms of job security and accessibility to the information. The main problem stemming from this great reliance is increasing joblessness. The more workplaces are rationalized by technological equipment, the fewer workers are required, and this results in more employees are made redundant, accelerating the rate of unemployment. Besides, as all the technology devices are entirely dependent on electricity, during the power outage, the information is inaccessible or even worse may be lost.

To sum up, in view of the above mentioned, there is no doubt that technology enhances the productivity and makes gathering and accessing the information easier. However, by my reckoning, over-reliance on technology can be unreliable and also cause joblessness.

Your written English needs a lot of work. You probably know this, so there's no reason to pick apart your grammar and vocabulary choices.

Structurally, you should make sure that every paragraph starts with a specific topic sentence and that the rest of that paragraph directly relates to and develops that topic.

Substantively and logically, most of what you argue about technology applies more (in First-World countries, at least) to technological shifts that already occurred about 50 or 60 years ago (and about 100 years ago, in the case of your comments about electricity) than to your essay topic of the technological revolution of the 21st Century.

@FreelanceWriter
First I have to express my thanks for your following up my essay. Regarding your effective clues, I was wondering if you could explain more about this sentence

" You probably know this, so there's no reason to pick apart your grammar and vocabulary choices"
Thanks

I'm trying not to say anything that could come across as unnecessarily insulting, but your grammar simply isn't good, and some of the words that you use don't mean what you apparently think they mean in the context that you use them, as evidenced even just in your last response to me. Just as one example, the word "clues" is not synonymous with "tips" or "suggestions" or "points," or with any other word that fits your intended meaning in that sentence. I understand what you're trying to say and why you might think that "clues" is an appropriate word choice, but it just isn't.

You obviously speak English fairly well (and much better than I speak any second language), but you're not (yet) able to compose written sentences in English without several very obvious mistakes in verb tenses and use of articles, among other things, in (almost) every sentence you write, whether in your essays or in your informal forum posts. I assumed that you knew this already, but your follow-up question suggests that, perhaps, you don't, and that you think your writing is much better than it really is. If you really need me to give you more specific examples, I can do that (and so could just about any other adult native speaker of English, whether or not he's a professional writer), but as I said already, I'm genuinely trying not to insult you.

OK?

@FreelanceWriter

At first, I should mention this fact that I never had a sense of being insulted by your opinion.
When you set time aside in order to inform me, (to me)it means that your intentions are beyond question.
I am not "thin-skinned" and content with any suggestion a well-wisher like you is to give me.
As you told, definitely my written English has many problems.
Again you are right! I have thought my writing is much better than it really is.
Please go through my essay again, telling me about my mistakes as much as you can.
It would highly be difficult for a second-language learner (like me)to correct mistakes such as word-choices, verb tenses or even sentence structures just by myself.

I am waiting for your tips and believe it or not, you are the only trainer for me at these days.
Thanks again.

One more thing, could you make suggestion that how can I enhance the skill of composing more correct sentences? I mean the exercises that I can do daily.