There is a bit of a tweaking required alongside few punctuation corrections, but on the whole, its not badly written. Being a writer, editor and proofreader, I can sense that the written text makes sense every step of the line.

You can see a few proofreading samples done under my pen at freelancer.com/u/Naeem2011.html

Thats my online profile where you can see the real knack of my past writing record...

Best Regards,
Naeem